Part of the Casswiki article series Books
The Narcissistic Family: Diagnosis and Treatment is a book by Stephanie Donaldson-Pressman and Robert M. Pressman, first published in 1997. In this book, the authors present a therapeutic model for understanding and treating adults from emotionally abusive or neglectful families, which the authors refers to as narcissistic families. The book provides an excellent overview of narcissistic family dynamics and the resulting problem of narcissistic wounding.
Overt and covert narcissism
Narcissistic families are classified by the authors as being of either of two types: the overtly narcissistic, or classic dysfunctional families; and the covertly narcissistic, where subtler problems still result in the emotional needs of children not being met. Common to both is a kind of inversion of family dynamics: instead of the parents fulfilling the needs of the children, the children are made to fulfil the needs of the parents. While knowledge of classic dysfunctional families is relatively widespread, the problem of covertly narcissistic families is however not as well known.
To a person who grew up in either type of narcissistic family, it may be hard to see the problematic nature of their upbringing; self-blame, and more generally a lack of insight caused by the very conditions that the child faced, can stand in the way. According to the Pressmans, “the patient who can readily identify the reality of his or her upbringing is the exception, not the rule.” Outside input is likely to be needed in order to become able to understand one’s past.
Overtly narcissistic parents are in the minority. However, one does not need to have a personality disorder, a serious addiction, or other issues of similar severity in order to be unable to meet the emotional needs of one’s children. Narcissistic wounding – the result of having had one’s emotional needs unmet as a child – is quite common, and the resulting dysfunctional attitudes and ways of handling relations means that it tends to be passed down from generation to generation.
Most parents do the best they can, but since they were narcissistically wounded themselves, they in turn pass on the problem to their children. They may for example value and emotionally accept the child not for who he or she is, but only to the extent to which the child lives up to the specific expectations the parents have for the child. And, in the increasingly narcissistic society and culture in which we live, the problem seems to be getting worse as time goes on.
Consequences of a narcissistic upbringing
The inverted family dynamic – where the child is enlisted by caretakers to fulfill their needs – means that the child is forced to distance him- or herself from his or her real needs and feelings. Striving for safety and acceptance, the child learns to construct and present an outward mask – and often an inward one as well, losing touch with what is really felt. Emotional distress, self-alienation, and problems in relating to others are typical outcomes of growing up in a narcissistic family.
In growing up, the child may sometimes be valued by a caretaker – because at the time, the child happens to fulfill some unspoken expectation of the latter – while at other times, the child is met with indifference or even hostility. The expectations of a caretaker, according to which he or she values the child, may also shift over time, forming a “moving target” that the child can never reach. The child ends up confused, feeling he or she is to blame for how the caretakers respond, and can come to form a deep-seated sense of being inherently defective, “wrong”, or useless.
According to the Pressmans, “the typical adult from a narcissistic family is filled with unacknowledged anger, feels like a hollow person, feels inadequate and defective, suffers from periodic anxiety and depression, and has no clue how he or she got that way.” (The Narcissistic Family, Chapter 2: “Characteristics of the Narcissistic Family”.)
Communication and relations
Communication is dysfunctional in narcissistic families – feelings are generally not expressed in a clear, direct manner, and what is communicated can be contradictory or even outright dishonest. In some cases, there is also an expectation of “mind reading” – of responding to the demands of a caretaker without ever being told about them, with a range of possible consequences upon the inevitable failure to do so.
As the child learns how to communicate – and the attitudes and ways of thinking that go along with it – in large part from the caretakers, dysfunctional patterns are passed on, causing problems in relations with others in adult life. Such problems can include being unable to set healthy boundaries – because the person may not know how to do it, or even understand what they are and why they are important. Growing up in a narcissistic family also frequently causes issues with trust – because as a child, the person came to learn not to trust.
Once grown up, the child of a narcissistic family will have to learn the methods of effective communication he or she never did as a child – and along with this, examine and correct problematic attitudes and ways of thinking.
Life strategy
The lack of trust instilled in children of narcissistic families concerns not just others, but frequently also the self – and the future. Believing that one cannot adequately manage one’s life, nor improve it, the result is seeking out more immediate gratifications, or “quick fixes”. Addictions, whether to substances or to behaviors (e.g. workaholism, shopping, sex), then lead to self-loathing and depression – which reinforces the need for quick fixes and so strengthens the addictions.
Another common issue is black and white (or “all or nothing”) thinking, and not recognizing that in general, one has several valid options to choose from in the various situations encountered in life. Judgment of choices becomes moralistic and one-dimensional, seen only in terms of “better” vs. “worse”. The moralistic part of the issue means that life easily becomes lived according to external standards – an extension of the narcissistic family dynamic where one tries to meet others’ needs rather than one’s own. And in looking back, there may be great shame at any “bad” or “stupid” decisions past, with no understanding of the circumstances in one’s life that led to them. In looking to the future, having multiple options is undesirable – because it is (falsely) believed that there is one and only one “right” choice to find and follow, if one is to avoid being a failure.
Together, these issues can make the life of an adult child of a narcissistic family messy – inwardly and outwardly alike. But the skills that weren’t learnt in childhood can be learned later – including decision-making, planning, task completion, and deferment of gratification.
Importance
The book is practically useful not only for therapists, but also for individuals seeking to understand their past and how it has shaped them – and how they in turn may come to shape their children if they do not deal with their own issues.
Among the things the book teaches are effective communication, how to set healthy boundaries, and understanding one’s own and others’ “crazy making” traits and behaviors. It can be a useful guide in re-evaluating and improving relationships, and in reducing the harmfulness of toxic relationships that cannot be terminated.
For those who have grown up in a narcissistic family, it is a good guide towards generally improving one’s understanding of psychological reality – including moving past the limitations imposed on one’s thinking and attitudes by narcissistic wounding. Whatever one’s background, it may add to the understanding of others, how they “tick”, and how one can more constructively engage with them. It is one of a number of examples of contemporary psychology offering something practically useful for doing the Work.
See also
- Narcissism
- Psychology
- The Myth of Sanity
- Trapped in the Mirror
- Unholy Hungers
- Character Disturbance
- Fear of the Abyss
- The Drama of the Gifted Child